John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was one of the first known victims of identity theft. ….@ewfeez

dog: i saw u out there me: what? dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog me: i was just– dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY? …. @BlindChow

Interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" *I look at my watch then lean in* How much time do you have? ….@ericsshadow

I am the queen of unsolicited advice. If you ever need advice, please don't hesitate to not ask me. ….@MaraWritesStuff

Shoutout to people who have never used the word "chapter" to describe their life …@eye_like_sharx

Have a #blessed day, friends! Enemies, I will wash down your entrails with the tears of your children. ….@robdelaney

My life coach just put in a sub and benched me….@ewfeez

And the rest of the money, they wasted. Headline: “Pentagon workers spent $1 mi in casinos & strip clubs”…. @SteveChapman13

*Has a nice day* *goes back to see checkout girl* I did it ….@WigCannon

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo. ….@robfee

When I'm on my death bed, my last words will be, "Who the hell put me on this death bed?" ….@ConanOBrien

Why do porn sites ask if I want to connect with Google +? I don't want anyone to know I use Google +…@elle91

Before we talk about this very complicated topic, you should know that I read several sentences about it in an article once. ….@KevinFarzad